This morning I went to the gym and was having an "off" day. I got on and off the treadmill, stretching in between sets of mileage. I started to worry. I started wondering how the day will be...how THAT day is going to go...how my body cooperates and what tricks my mind will play on me. Perfect example: Watching the Dallas Cowboys lately has been frustrating because they seem to have those game days that they are just "off" and not playing well. I have never earned myself a "DNF" (did not finish) and will be crushed if it comes down to that. These thoughts haunted me this morning.
Next month...that's it...next month. I will be running the 24 Hour treadmill run NEXT MONTH. Although I changed my training drastically from previous runs, I have still managed to become a zombie. My brain has taken the wheel and I am coasting on auto-pilot, and will continue to be on auto-pilot until this run is completed. People ask me how it's going to go, and what I expect. I never know what to expect. This time there's some sort of void. I can't tell if it's in my heart, or in my spirit, or if it is just my head making up stuff.
God was listening. Karma was on guard. The rain gods poured down rain here in the desert. Someone somewhere was rubbing a big gold Buddha belly. A feeling of Zen was in place as soon as I started to chat with a newfound friend. She has been going through a ton of stress in her life. She opened up to me and told me that she had suffered abuse as a child. I felt a sharp tug at my heart and something in me clicked. A whirlwind of realization came out of the cloudy sky as the electricity in my brain flickered and the lightbulb came back on, the void was filled: WHY I am running.
Most of you know, I am dedicating this run solely to The Purple Ribbon Council who is headed up by a true saint, Donna Bartos. This organization was set up to help those families affected by Domestic Violence and even homicide. As I listened to my friend talk, I saw the pain in her eyes and it radiated in her voice. That pain...no one should feel it. My heart ached for her. I saw it firsthand, the effects of what it does to people. I flashed back to a scene from my past when I had seen the aftermath of this violence for the first time. My aunt had come over to our house when I was very young. I could hardly recognize her. Her eyes were swollen and bruised. Her arm was bruised and red. The strong feisty person I loved was broken, and I couldn't understand why. The thing my friend and my aunt have in common is that they had been beaten down to the depths of themselves so deep that confidence could not find it's way back out. Having suffered from Anorexia and Bulimia in my life, I felt an instant connection during my conversation today. The toxic feeling of worthlessness. Negativity accumulates a lot faster than positivity and it is a heavy load to lift. It's like fat. It's easy to put on, but a hell of a lot harder to take off. Each stressor and negative thought, each abusive memory burdens the soul, thus making it harder to be uplifted.
These feelings, this connection I felt today made me more motivated than ever. THIS is why I am running. Two attempts will be made on November 12-13. Attempting to beat a record seems so trivial now. My entire focus and my drive has shifted to something so much more important.
Thank you for sharing some of your "story" with me today...you know who you are...